Sorry I have been away for a bit. It's been surreal at chateau de craft
I've had alot happen this past week and so I'm just going to list out a top 10.
10. Think about grown up stuff too often. Yep you heard me. It sucks. There is alot to Grown up stuff which is an upcoming list that I am soon to post and am constantly adding to. There isn't just one time in your life you think about it but instead it comes to you several times through out the course. Usually those moments come in just to make sure you evaluate yourself and see if it is all fitting in to that big fat life picture.
9. Find yourself in the middle of a bazillion projects and to do lists that never seem to go away cause you keep adding to them. See number 10.
8. Be the boss all the time. OMG how exhausting is that!! I mean come on, you are constantly making sure everyone else is doing what they are supposed to be doing to serve the greater good it gets old. You stop and have to again reevaluate see number 10 again Ok this list needs to stop here.
In a nut shell I saw a loved one go through a hell of a lot of pain and surgery within 24 hours and die. This someone was my dad and although I am at peace with the idea that he is no longer in pain, no longer suffering and still has his legs, I keep falling back to this spot. This spot where I'm constantly questioning whether when my time comes I'll be more prepared than my dad. Will I go through the same pain and will Sym have to see that? I don't want her to. So there it is. In black in white one week to the day that I got to see the pain on my father's face that was caused by his inability to stop smoking stop drinking and start taking asprin regularly. Although I am taking asprin regularly and I'm on a daily vitamin regimine I am still smoking. My fiance has given me an ultimatum about the smoking. Although he is letting me smoke through this week, ya'll know this has always been a struggle in my life. It's weird how once you see yourself through one struggle you find another one waiting in the wings to give you that good kick in the pants you may or may not really need.
Struggle....why is that we all have to struggle in one way shape or form? Again, I'm still looking for that manual to life that I sooooo wish someone would have written 30 years ago but put out new editions yearly. Like what to do when you have a loved one that didn't have a "In Case I Die Plan"? Or what about "How do I put together a In Case I Die Plan that thinks of every possible scenario and you go oh hey let me look on page 12 for that. There are probably templates etc out there for this stuff but because I don't want to have to decode legal jargon or go out and get a masters of law and a dictionary, I've avoided it personally because everytime I go to those things, I get even more lost. ie where's the part about unexpected diseases or discovery after the fact that you have a heriditary illness that is lurking in your dna waiting for the right moment to pop it's ugly head out at you and say HA TAG YOU'VE Got it!!!
As I continue to ramble on as I often do here I am thinking about certain struggles I don't want Sym to go through. So now I'm changing the Top 10
10 Struggles I Don't Want to Cause For My Daughter
I've had alot happen this past week and so I'm just going to list out a top 10.
10. Think about grown up stuff too often. Yep you heard me. It sucks. There is alot to Grown up stuff which is an upcoming list that I am soon to post and am constantly adding to. There isn't just one time in your life you think about it but instead it comes to you several times through out the course. Usually those moments come in just to make sure you evaluate yourself and see if it is all fitting in to that big fat life picture.
9. Find yourself in the middle of a bazillion projects and to do lists that never seem to go away cause you keep adding to them. See number 10.
8. Be the boss all the time. OMG how exhausting is that!! I mean come on, you are constantly making sure everyone else is doing what they are supposed to be doing to serve the greater good it gets old. You stop and have to again reevaluate see number 10 again Ok this list needs to stop here.
In a nut shell I saw a loved one go through a hell of a lot of pain and surgery within 24 hours and die. This someone was my dad and although I am at peace with the idea that he is no longer in pain, no longer suffering and still has his legs, I keep falling back to this spot. This spot where I'm constantly questioning whether when my time comes I'll be more prepared than my dad. Will I go through the same pain and will Sym have to see that? I don't want her to. So there it is. In black in white one week to the day that I got to see the pain on my father's face that was caused by his inability to stop smoking stop drinking and start taking asprin regularly. Although I am taking asprin regularly and I'm on a daily vitamin regimine I am still smoking. My fiance has given me an ultimatum about the smoking. Although he is letting me smoke through this week, ya'll know this has always been a struggle in my life. It's weird how once you see yourself through one struggle you find another one waiting in the wings to give you that good kick in the pants you may or may not really need.
Struggle....why is that we all have to struggle in one way shape or form? Again, I'm still looking for that manual to life that I sooooo wish someone would have written 30 years ago but put out new editions yearly. Like what to do when you have a loved one that didn't have a "In Case I Die Plan"? Or what about "How do I put together a In Case I Die Plan that thinks of every possible scenario and you go oh hey let me look on page 12 for that. There are probably templates etc out there for this stuff but because I don't want to have to decode legal jargon or go out and get a masters of law and a dictionary, I've avoided it personally because everytime I go to those things, I get even more lost. ie where's the part about unexpected diseases or discovery after the fact that you have a heriditary illness that is lurking in your dna waiting for the right moment to pop it's ugly head out at you and say HA TAG YOU'VE Got it!!!
As I continue to ramble on as I often do here I am thinking about certain struggles I don't want Sym to go through. So now I'm changing the Top 10
10 Struggles I Don't Want to Cause For My Daughter
(Fiance, Sisters Mom or the rest of my fam)
10. See me die a painful death
9. Worry about burying/cremating/throwing me in a refrigerator box and burying me in the yard (Have an "If I Die Plan")
8. My Debt (Home loan/Medical/Unsecured/etc) Student loans go away when you die but some don't. Some, like alot of credit cards and gym memberships will go after your survivors even if you give them a copy of the Death Certificate.
7. Having to make a hard decision when I can't answer for myself. (Living will that's in laymen terms so to speak in case she doesn't have a masters in law)
6. A safe place that she knows where to find all my plans that I would hopefully have spent 35+ years putting together for her.
5. No Guilt or worry about whether or not she made the right decision about my well being She'll know it's in the book. (Uh yeah 35+ years would entail a book maybe a novel)
4. She has a template to go by for herself when she is older. (She'll have a fucking manual by golly)
3. Insurance on my medical care when I am older that is not idigent like my dad. I want GOOD medical coverage or enough savings to handle just about anything that is thrown my way.
2. My soul in order so that she can say "My Mommy is in Heaven but part of her is following me around just to let me know I'm acting right" and KNOWS it without a doubt!!!
1. I don't want her to see me die a painful death. Even if it is only for a few hours/minutes/seconds.
There that's it. I know I repeated number 10 but it's my list damn it.
So there is my reminder. I'm putting this finalized shit together before the end of 2010. Why? because I don't think I could go into 2011 knowing that this stuff is not in 100% order. I'm committing myself to review it every year on his birthday just because the date is easy to remember.
I encourage you all to take a look at your plans and make sure they are up to date. If you have term life insurance make sure it is renewed. If you have a burial policy make sure the funeral home didn't file bankruptcy. If you have a living will look through it again to make sure that EVERYTHING is outlined.
Also if your parents aren't taken care of do what you can to make sure that they are even if they won't face the fact that they are going to die one day. I wish I had made my dad. I really really do. It hurts that when the time came and I even offered to pay for it for him he still wouldn't sign.
My dad was young. 51 years old. His birthday is Nov 13. Death finds us all no matter the age. Have your plans ready.
10. See me die a painful death
9. Worry about burying/cremating/throwing me in a refrigerator box and burying me in the yard (Have an "If I Die Plan")
8. My Debt (Home loan/Medical/Unsecured/etc) Student loans go away when you die but some don't. Some, like alot of credit cards and gym memberships will go after your survivors even if you give them a copy of the Death Certificate.
7. Having to make a hard decision when I can't answer for myself. (Living will that's in laymen terms so to speak in case she doesn't have a masters in law)
6. A safe place that she knows where to find all my plans that I would hopefully have spent 35+ years putting together for her.
5. No Guilt or worry about whether or not she made the right decision about my well being She'll know it's in the book. (Uh yeah 35+ years would entail a book maybe a novel)
4. She has a template to go by for herself when she is older. (She'll have a fucking manual by golly)
3. Insurance on my medical care when I am older that is not idigent like my dad. I want GOOD medical coverage or enough savings to handle just about anything that is thrown my way.
2. My soul in order so that she can say "My Mommy is in Heaven but part of her is following me around just to let me know I'm acting right" and KNOWS it without a doubt!!!
1. I don't want her to see me die a painful death. Even if it is only for a few hours/minutes/seconds.
There that's it. I know I repeated number 10 but it's my list damn it.
So there is my reminder. I'm putting this finalized shit together before the end of 2010. Why? because I don't think I could go into 2011 knowing that this stuff is not in 100% order. I'm committing myself to review it every year on his birthday just because the date is easy to remember.
I encourage you all to take a look at your plans and make sure they are up to date. If you have term life insurance make sure it is renewed. If you have a burial policy make sure the funeral home didn't file bankruptcy. If you have a living will look through it again to make sure that EVERYTHING is outlined.
Also if your parents aren't taken care of do what you can to make sure that they are even if they won't face the fact that they are going to die one day. I wish I had made my dad. I really really do. It hurts that when the time came and I even offered to pay for it for him he still wouldn't sign.
My dad was young. 51 years old. His birthday is Nov 13. Death finds us all no matter the age. Have your plans ready.
I think my dad would have agreed
I love you and you're lovely.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry to hear about your dad, Lesley! My friend just died a few weeks ago, in her 50s, and it was devastating. I hope your wishes for your daughter are fulfilled too - what a horrible thing to have to go through!
ReplyDeleteYou have always been inspiring to me whether you knew it or not. Thank you for saying this. I have vaguely thought about this in the past. Thank you for bringing this up.
ReplyDelete